…younger but braver…

With Luke anything new, loud, or anything that defied gravity produced clenched jaw, tighten grip around my legs and shrieking. lots of shrieking. Even when he was just a few years old, I’d think to myself, “c’mon, you’re a BOY! you’re suppose to be LOUD and CRASH and like anything FAST!” but even now as a six year old, it takes the strength to move mountains, or bribe of star wars or cars, to get him to try something, anything that might be a little noisy and off the ground.

then there’s shane. by no means is he a daredevil or oblivious to above average incline of a slide. he hates most swings, fears vacuum cleaners, and cringes anytime he sees an ugly doll. he calls them monster. and scawee. but when it’s something that he likes, he has no fear.

Like this train ride. I remember when Luke first rode this, the operator had to stop after less than a minute to let him out. Shane though insisted that he go in his own car, though his plans were thwarted by a much bigger girl who cut in line (hmmph!), and that he would be the conductor. Luke was asking the whole time exactly how many minutes the ride was and how many times it went around the track. and of course the questions, “but HOW do you know that it’s not going to go too fast?!?!?”

During the windstorm where the winds got up to 90+ mph and many of the hundred year old oak trees fell every which way, Luke ran into our room the moment he heard winds gushing outside his room. Shane only followed suit and ran after him. We spent a while quieting down Luke and reassuring him that we’re all ok and that we’re safe. Shane, well after the novelty of our bed wore off, the comforts of his own bed was where he wanted to be. so he insisted, “i want my OWN bed. go back to my woom” i made bernard go with him and sleep in the room because i was scared for him to be alone!

I love his insistence and no nonsense sensibility. I hope one day I can be as brave as him!

…welcome back, again…

just the other day i started reading one of my old blogs on xanga, remember that? i couldn’t get over how lame i sounded. i couldn’t help but blush at the immaturity and obnoxiousness of the writer… me! but here i am again. why?

well, there’s something to be said about growing. and seeing that growth in words, with your friends commenting and woo’ing and ah’ing over your kids’ silly pictures that really aren’t that cute. there’s a sweetness to learning and thinking that you’ve said something important, when really… it’s all been said before. and i miss my friends who’d read my blogs and i, theirs.

so what’s up? i guess a lot has changed since my last post. boys are bigger. louder. more grating. more loveable. insanely annoying. too precious to capture in words or pictures. our house has changed too. we moved! we are all grown up now, living with quiet, older crew in san marino. we honestly feel like total charlatans. we’ll drive around wondering if people know that people like US live in this mature establishment. hilarious.

i’m loving the west coast more and more. i still can’t get over the weather. it’s amazing… no wonder people write books, songs, and movies about it! it’s that great. i really haven’t had the true LA experience since i don’t live on the cool side of town, but i’ve gotten a taste and i can’t say i hate it. i love the food. amazing. seriously, y’all have to visit.

so here’s the latest and greatest from what’s going on inside of me. i realized that i’ve really become a flake of sorts. deadlines don’t have that great looming threat like it used to before. in fact, i think of them to be challenged. there has to be a way to get an extension, or did they really need it by monday? i’m sure it could wait a few days. i’m not sure why or how i got this way, but it’s pretty disturbing to me. i physically can’t get myself to cross off certain to-do’s because of this lack of duty or fear i have of deadlines! something for me to work on the new year.

so there it is. my first post in 2012. here’s hoping to more in the coming year!

…my little shane…

i had this whole post written up, all about shane, and it got deleted somehow. hmm… coincidence?

our littlest has been the best, most content, chill kid ever. i remember when we just had luke and people would tell me to gear up for a crazy, energetic, non-sleeping baby since luke was such an easy one. so when i was pregnant with shane, i’d pray these little prayers – silly ones of course – please PLEASE lord, you know how i am, please help this one to be a calm, easy-going baby. well, the lord heard my prayer and more. way more.

shane is this tiny little toddler. most people see him and think he’s well under 1.5. can’t blame them since he still got the infant hair, small for his age and still has yet to mutter anything close to english (or any other language known to man). if he were my first, i’d be freaking out a bit. he’s freakishly small, sucks his index and middle finger like there’s no tomorrow (inverted too – weird) which makes me fear MAJOR buck teeth, always has some sort of rash or other, and have i mentioned how he still hasn’t spoken a clear word? i know babies who are 6 months younger than him singing their ABCs!

but my heart, at most times, is quiet. i know he’s perfect. he takes after his daddy who refused to say anything intelligible till he was three. yes, i know there’s a joke in there somewhere.  he’s just taking his time. he doesn’t open up his mouth whenever a spoonful of food shoved in front of him like luke used to, rather he’s very adept at swiping and pushing very forcefully to let us know that he doesn’t want it. he figures out toys we never introduced him to, he dances whenever he hears the radio – esp OMG. we gotta work on that. he’s obsessed with thomas the tank engine just like luke. but doesn’t mind having them scattered everywhere and anywhere. he’s content.

but one thing that does tug at me is that often he’s dragged everywhere. luke’s schedule pretty much dictates all that he does. his naps are interrupted if we have preschool drop-offs and pick-ups. he’s relegated to the stroller when luke has a blast at legoland or local carnivals. but the coolest thing is, he doesn’t seem to mind. in fact, he loves watching everything. just like luke, he’s always taking everything in.

he’s forgotten sometimes. yes, i admit it. but he’s my heart. he is the most perfect little brother, youngest of the family and boy i could’ve asked for. each day it’s amazing to watch him grow and see how the world is making sense to him, little by little. now, if he would just say something!

after a trip to costco

bathtime!

…why i haven’t blogged…

it’s been a while. but trust me, i’ve been blogging. it’s not here, but it’s while i do the dishes, wash my hair, or when i’m about to fall asleep. it’s not written down, but i blog to myself – yes, i talk to myself. it has come to that.

it’s been so long, i don’t even know how this thing works. it’s almost like when you see an old friend you haven’t spoken to for months, you feel a bit shy and you don’t know what your first words will be. but you know that once you get going, it’ll be fine. you’ll feel refreshed, accepted and understood. so here’s my attempt.

i haven’t blogged in a while because every time i’ve sat down to do so, i’ve only had complaints, hardships and battles to report. and as many of you have told me in the past that i should archive these posts and show them to luke (this is when i blogged faithfully – aka, i only had one child and everything that he did, didn’t do, or thought he did seemed like the most amazing feat any human being had ever accomplished. either that, or just super cute), i’ve always thought of making a book of letters of them. so how would it look if between ages 3-whoknowswhen, all i have are posts about how hard being a mother is, or how frustrating some days are with them, or how i count the minutes and seconds till their daddy gets home, or how i dream of going back to work someday, or how i feel completely lost as a mother, a friend and a person?

i found myself only having material to blog about when things were hard whereas before, i only blogged about how amazing our life was with luke. maybe the honeymoon is over? is this the reality of being a mom? battle at every meal, exhaustion from the day that i can’t do anything except sit and stare at the tv or computer screen? am i only capable of understanding one-liners on facebook updates?

hmm… this is starting to sound like one of those posts that i was dreading.

in the past few months, whether i sound like it or not, i have fallen deeper in love with my kids. luke continues to be that sensitive child, who feels and sees beyond what i often feel and see. he is a typical boy who loves running around outside, one who wants to play tag or catch. but he’s also a boy who tells his mom about how sad he is that he doesn’t look like his friends, or a child who prays to God in the middle of the night when he’s feeling scared, and one who gets that he is loved more by his Father than by his parents.

like all parents, i have aspirations of my kids being gifted. but as i mature as a parent, i’m just thankful that they are happy and healthy. it’s so easy to get caught up in getting them in the right school, or school system, after-school activities or summer camps. i have spent sleepless nights wondering what’s the best method of learning for them. is it the traditional public schools? the independent schools? reggio? waldorf? i’ve joined discussions with other parents about how to instill a love of learning. i’ve watched documentaries about neurotic parents and the result of over-schooling our children. but in the end, i wonder if that’s what really matters. i’m not saying it’s not important… but are these my idols?

i realized once again that it’s about being faithful to each moment. am i being an example of Christ to my children, in the moment? are they being shown grace by my actions? are they being fed spiritually? how come i don’t spend nights wondering about how i am to share the Gospel with them? why do i not research what sort of quiet times i should do with them like i do with strollers?

i had no clue when i had luke that motherhood would be like this. i’ve become a lot of things i never thought i’d become. some good and some bad. i wish i was further ahead in this motherhood thing. i wish i had scrapbooked every year of my kids’ life. i wish i had taken more pictures and been faithful about making picture books. i wish i had volunteered more at their school. i wish i had prayed for them more. thought about their souls more than their minds. been concerned about their feelings rather than about how they may look to others.

but i’m glad for days like today where i am shown by His grace that my children are an amazing gift that He has given me. though the days are long, the years do pass by much too quickly. luke is already FOUR, wasn’t he just a baby learning to crawl? i know that only by His doing, i can be a parent who loves and guides these children to the cross. it doesn’t matter if they aren’t the next bono (bernard’s dream) or next genius at large (my dream). if they are found in Christ, living a happy and full life, then i can’t dream or hope for anything more. maybe blogging (not just in my head) more will remind me of this. i hope so.

…cherished…

Christmas time always brings back memories of our Christmases in korea. There they tell kids that santa comes through windows (no chimneys) and leaves presents above your head (since we all slept on floors, no beds or headboards).  i believed in this korean version of santa claus until i was 7 when a neighborhood kid asked me why santa had the same handwriting as all our moms. then i knew…

but in that moment of truth hitting my young mind, i remember how my heart felt. warm. protected. and safe. picture of my mom working hard to wrap up a gift from santa, writing just the right santa-ish words, and waiting for me to fall into a deep sleep so she could place the present right above my head, was painted even though the picture of a stealthy old man, sneaking in through the window was shattered. i remember it amazed me that my mom would do this after working 12+ hours, 6 days a week, running her own pharmacy. i felt cherished.

cherished. that’s what i want my children to feel, no matter what. my mom is far from perfect. she and i aren’t bff’s nor are we that particularly close. but i am thankful that she instilled that cherished love in me. and these days, i wonder what i’m leaving in my children. love? fear? anger? frustration?

being a stay at home mom has been very difficult the last 4 months. i reached some lows that i didn’t expect and i found myself asking, “who am i and how did i get here?” the one question i thought i had answered and banished once i had committed to being a SAHM. but like all commitments, we need reminding. so bear with me as i remind myself why…

i know i was created in the image of God. i know that God created me for a purpose. to love Him and his people. i also know that he created me to be a helper, to my husband and to this family he has given me. i know that He gifted me with lots of talents and maybe a few extra brain cells too (though i’m losing them at an alarming rate). but i am also a sinner. sinner who struggles with pride, self worth and selfishness. so when we started thinking about having kids, i thought about all that He has allowed me to be, and with no deep passion for an occupation outside the home, understanding my gifts and talents, and firmly believing that i should be the primary nurturer, caretaker and feeder of mind and heart, i chose to be with my children from morning to night.

i expected some of the obstacles like questioning of my worth to society, how to stay productive when my work seemed so monotonous, how to stay involved and teachable though i would feel so outside of this world and unreachable. what i didn’t expect was how all of these and more would pile up while i try to keep sane from the seeming insanity that happens when you take care of 2 boys under the age of 5.

i don’t have any answers. but what i realize is that it’s ok to daydream about life as a non-sahm. it’s ok to plan for my days when i will have more time for myself. but it’s not ok for forget why i am here. i am here to love my children with the love of God, to make them feel CHERISHED. to feel like they are the best things put on this earth since butter.

i’ve been convicted the past few days to really love and savor my children. these days of waddling and singing ‘mele kalikimaka” with no shame will pass by too quickly. their naps will soon disappear which also means i will get to tuck them in and kiss their foreheads less and less. their little tiny lego bricks and the millions of cheerio crumbs will soon be replaced with smelly soccer cleats and spilled sticky sodas. their minor infractions of not sharing toys and whining may be replaced with real life issues and heart breaking relationships. i need to savor these days instead of crying myself to sleep b/c it’s been such a tough day. life passes by so quickly. yes, these days are hard. harder then they’ve ever been… but i’m thankful that God is here, rebuking me, reminding me, and returning me to Him. because no matter how slow the time seems to pass on any given tuesday afternoon when no one is happy with anything or anybody in the kim household, i know that in His infinite wisdom, he’s giving me that moment to honor Him, love Him and love these little men that He has asked me to steward. i am cherished that He would trust and allow me to raise these boys and know them. i am cherished that He would give me yet another chance even after messing up so badly. and i am cherished that He would love me, no matter how much i don’t love.

here’s to a new day, a new year… a new decade… praying that it doesn’t pass by too quickly.

When Life Gives You Candy Canes… | Plummelo Blog

When Life Gives You Candy Canes… | Plummelo Blog.

…latest find…

there are few things in life i’m obsessed with.

shoes
bags
(i know, surprise, surprise)
kitchen equipment
coffee
(ok, this list is longer than i thought it’d be)
beauty products

i know you all are raising your eyebrows saying, “i can add a few more…” but i’ll stop the list here. these past few months, i’ve been secretly obsessing over shampoos. my HG (holy grail) shampoo has been aveda shampure since 1996.

but i swear, though aveda has denied it, that it has changed on me. the last couple of years it doesn’t smell or feel right. maybe it’s my hair that’s changing, but it doesn’t even lather like it used to! oh, and the price tag… i was happy to shell out $25 for the big bottle but that got harder to justify with bernard going through residency and fellowship and my new position as a stay at home mom.

so since 2005 i’ve been mixing. i’ve gone through costco sized bottles of the good ol’ standby, pantene. then when i wanted to feel special, i’d treat myself to the shampure. i’d get irrationally upset if i noticed that bernard “wasted” my shampure on his 2 minute showers. so for the past few months i’ve been dabbling with new shampoos, reading up on reviews and research. haha. yup, research.

i learned that sulfate is bad bad bad for your hair. specifically sodium lauryl sulfate. it’s harsh for your hair and it’s mainly there to give you that satisfying lather. it’s not really necessary, but most shampoos out there contain this ingredient. so i tried a few economically priced options out there.

trader joe’s nourish shampoo seemed very promising. i loved it, but only for a few weeks. after my sulfur-free nirvana died down, i realized that it left my hair feeling thirsty for something. my permed hair felt un”nourish”ed and though the conditioner is light and airy, my hair needed some more TLC.

but i do think this shampoo is worth a shot, especially given the low price tag ($2something/bottle). if you have normal or normal/oily hair, this would be a great everyday shampoo or at least something you use once a week. (everyone knows the golden rule of switching up shampoos at least once a week, right?)

my hunt continued. i tried tj’s tea tree shampoo. even though the tingly effect was enough to make me laugh out loud in the shower, it didn’t perform like i wanted it to in any other way. it was gimmicky… and with shampoos, that’s not what i’m looking for.

then one day, feeling impulsive like i do whenever i’m at costco, i picked up a surprisingly normal sized bottles of aveeno shampoo and conditioner. i’ve always loved anything from aveeno, minus their skin radiant moisturizer with spf – but totally my fault since my skin breaks out with anything containing chemical sunscreen. anyway, i picked it up and had some hope, but not a lot, that this would make my hair feel full and wonderful again. but no worries, b/c it’s from costco and… i got a husband who doesn’t mind, he could use a bar of golden dial soap on his head and not care!

in the pack is 2 bottles of the nourish shampoo and 1 bottle of the conditioner. PERFECT! i tried it and loved it. it made my curly hair detangle and feel super moisturized. the conditioner made it feel totally protected from all the dry air around here. i mainly air-dry my hair, so i can’t tell you how it would perform with high heat. but i can tell, this is going to be in my bathroom for a long time.

of course, this doesn’t mean that i won’t be tempted to try other shampoos, but i’m glad i finally found another shampoo to fall back on. and it’s something i don’t mind sharing with the husband.

what are some of your HG hair shampoos and products?

…slow cooker beef stew…

straight from the slow cooker

2 lbs beef stew meat
1/4 c flour
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp black pepper
1 clove garlic, minced
1 bay leaf
1 tsp paprika
1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
1 onion, chopped
1 1/2 c beef broth
3 potatoes diced into big chunks (red potatoes i just quartered)
4 carrots cut into big chunks (i cut them into 5 pieces)
1 stalk celery cut into big chunks

1. put meat in slow cooker. mix together the flour, salt, and pepper then pour over meat.  stir to coat meat with flour mixture. i actually just used my hands to get the flour on each meat piece.

2. stir in the garlic, bay leaf, paprika, worcestershire sauce, onion, beef broth, potatoes, carrots, and celery.

3. cover, and cook on low setting for 10 to 12 hours, or on high setting for 4 to 6 hours. i did low for 2 hours and high for 4 hours. i wanted to make sure that the beef didn’t cook up too fast, i wanted that firm but melt in your mouth beef and that’s exactly what we got!

*** i doubled the recipe and used the beef stew meat from costco. i have a HUGE slow cooker and it barely all fit, so if you’re going to double the recipe, make sure your slow cooker is big enough.

…not mom of the year…

it’s almost midnight and i keep replaying the scenes in my head of the past 18 hours or so. up at 7am, breakfast consists of sausage and waffles being eaten or tossed onto the floor as i try to blink away the dryness from the forgotten contacts in my eyes from the night before. i’ve been up for 15 minutes and i’m already reaching my threshold of patience. i remember how mean and ugly i was to my older one just 12 hours before and try to keep my anger at bay. it doesn’t work.

“please PLEASE eat or you’ll miss school.” i know this is a threat especially today because it’s “share day” at school for him and he gets to show off a toy he picked out of his toy box the night before. he’s been excited about it since he got home last week. it’s hard not to throw threats around… especially when i don’t feel the buzz from my morning coffee.  he doesn’t eat. instead, he decides to make shane laugh. i’m boiling at this point. i think, does he NOT remember how last night went down? how i was furious with him for not listening to us?

somehow we get out the door and only manage to be 5 minutes late for school. i don’t even know if luke or shane got enough food in them. screw it, everyone is where they are suppose to be, they’ll just have to deal if hunger strikes them at 10am. it’s only 8:35am. i’ve been up for 1 hour and 35 minutes and i feel exhausted.  but i know that bits of sausage, waffle, and milk puddles are waiting for me at home to clean up. *sniff* what’s that smell? yup, add a soiled diaper to change to the list.

i sit down and attempt to finish my coffee after shane goes down for a nap. i try to look a different direction so i won’t notice the crumbs from this morning, but it’s everywhere. i can’t finish my coffee, i go to look for my broom. sigh… once i’m done, i see that from breakfast alone, the sink is half full. i know if i don’t do the dishes now, they’ll be there for lunch and i’ll have 3x’s the amount of dishes to go through. so i do them now.

i chug my coffee and get to the dishes. it’s only the first of five sets of dishes i do today. and after the third set of dishwashing at 2pm, i am spent. completely spent. i have nothing to give to anyone, not even to myself and i’m left with one thought.

who the heck am i?

trust me, that question and i are old friends. we know each other intimately. sometimes the question brings pride, sometimes it brings insecurities. sometimes it even brings me hope and joy. but most of the time it brings me peace.  today though, i was stuck. i just kept asking the question, who am i…?

i realize that i am not the best mom. really, i’m not. i don’t write that to gain sympathy or praise. i write that because i realize that it’s impossible to be “the best” mom. there’s not quantitative way to measure it. there’s no way you can test a child and see if s/he had the best parenting. there’s no reward either for it. there’s no GPA you can boast of, no merits awards or degrees you can get.

even if there were ways to measure how good you are as a mom, i wouldn’t score the highest. just like how i realized my second day at MIT that i wouldn’t be #1 or #2 anymore. i realize now that i won’t be the valedictorian of moms. but this time, not being the best doesn’t hurt me. it actually affects others more than me.

good gosh.

so right now, i am trying to make peace that it’s ok. it’s ok that i had a bad day. it’s ok that sometimes i am a bad mom. it’s not about just one day, but it’s about the whole. and i can erase the sharp edge i had in my tone all day and make it sweet. maybe i can erase it from their memory and hopefully they’ll forget that sometimes their mom isn’t so great.

i don’t want to be the mom of the year. i just want to be the best mom for my kids. so i will pray that God answers and honors that prayer. the prayer is, i really want to grow to be a better parent, one filled with grace, energy and wisdom. no one told me it was going to be this hard. i’m just glad i have God above me and bernard next to me. i’m sure with that combo, this will turn out alright.

…koolaid playdough…

there are days when you just want your kids to play by themselves so you can. clean, wash the veggies, answer that quick email or 3, ahem – nap, dance like a fool by yourself, or whatever.  the way that happens for us is, i plop down a few mounds of playdough and let go of any ocd cell i have in my body.  i also provide a roller, cookie cutter, shovel and etc.

here’s the recipe:

1 c. flour
1 tbs. oil
1 pkg koolAid (any color but yellow. didn’t turn out well for me, maybe i’ll use 2 instead of 1)
1/4 c. salt
2 tbs. cream of tartar
1 c. water

mix dry ingredients. add oil and water. stir over medium heat until mixture forms a ball. pour onto board or clean counter and knead. store in airtight container.

my only tip would be to use a wooden spoon when stirring in the pan.

red playdough with cherry flavored koolAid

alfie dumping red "rocks" onto the train car