…cherished…

Christmas time always brings back memories of our Christmases in korea. There they tell kids that santa comes through windows (no chimneys) and leaves presents above your head (since we all slept on floors, no beds or headboards).  i believed in this korean version of santa claus until i was 7 when a neighborhood kid asked me why santa had the same handwriting as all our moms. then i knew…

but in that moment of truth hitting my young mind, i remember how my heart felt. warm. protected. and safe. picture of my mom working hard to wrap up a gift from santa, writing just the right santa-ish words, and waiting for me to fall into a deep sleep so she could place the present right above my head, was painted even though the picture of a stealthy old man, sneaking in through the window was shattered. i remember it amazed me that my mom would do this after working 12+ hours, 6 days a week, running her own pharmacy. i felt cherished.

cherished. that’s what i want my children to feel, no matter what. my mom is far from perfect. she and i aren’t bff’s nor are we that particularly close. but i am thankful that she instilled that cherished love in me. and these days, i wonder what i’m leaving in my children. love? fear? anger? frustration?

being a stay at home mom has been very difficult the last 4 months. i reached some lows that i didn’t expect and i found myself asking, “who am i and how did i get here?” the one question i thought i had answered and banished once i had committed to being a SAHM. but like all commitments, we need reminding. so bear with me as i remind myself why…

i know i was created in the image of God. i know that God created me for a purpose. to love Him and his people. i also know that he created me to be a helper, to my husband and to this family he has given me. i know that He gifted me with lots of talents and maybe a few extra brain cells too (though i’m losing them at an alarming rate). but i am also a sinner. sinner who struggles with pride, self worth and selfishness. so when we started thinking about having kids, i thought about all that He has allowed me to be, and with no deep passion for an occupation outside the home, understanding my gifts and talents, and firmly believing that i should be the primary nurturer, caretaker and feeder of mind and heart, i chose to be with my children from morning to night.

i expected some of the obstacles like questioning of my worth to society, how to stay productive when my work seemed so monotonous, how to stay involved and teachable though i would feel so outside of this world and unreachable. what i didn’t expect was how all of these and more would pile up while i try to keep sane from the seeming insanity that happens when you take care of 2 boys under the age of 5.

i don’t have any answers. but what i realize is that it’s ok to daydream about life as a non-sahm. it’s ok to plan for my days when i will have more time for myself. but it’s not ok for forget why i am here. i am here to love my children with the love of God, to make them feel CHERISHED. to feel like they are the best things put on this earth since butter.

i’ve been convicted the past few days to really love and savor my children. these days of waddling and singing ‘mele kalikimaka” with no shame will pass by too quickly. their naps will soon disappear which also means i will get to tuck them in and kiss their foreheads less and less. their little tiny lego bricks and the millions of cheerio crumbs will soon be replaced with smelly soccer cleats and spilled sticky sodas. their minor infractions of not sharing toys and whining may be replaced with real life issues and heart breaking relationships. i need to savor these days instead of crying myself to sleep b/c it’s been such a tough day. life passes by so quickly. yes, these days are hard. harder then they’ve ever been… but i’m thankful that God is here, rebuking me, reminding me, and returning me to Him. because no matter how slow the time seems to pass on any given tuesday afternoon when no one is happy with anything or anybody in the kim household, i know that in His infinite wisdom, he’s giving me that moment to honor Him, love Him and love these little men that He has asked me to steward. i am cherished that He would trust and allow me to raise these boys and know them. i am cherished that He would give me yet another chance even after messing up so badly. and i am cherished that He would love me, no matter how much i don’t love.

here’s to a new day, a new year… a new decade… praying that it doesn’t pass by too quickly.

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