…my little shane…

i had this whole post written up, all about shane, and it got deleted somehow. hmm… coincidence?

our littlest has been the best, most content, chill kid ever. i remember when we just had luke and people would tell me to gear up for a crazy, energetic, non-sleeping baby since luke was such an easy one. so when i was pregnant with shane, i’d pray these little prayers – silly ones of course – please PLEASE lord, you know how i am, please help this one to be a calm, easy-going baby. well, the lord heard my prayer and more. way more.

shane is this tiny little toddler. most people see him and think he’s well under 1.5. can’t blame them since he still got the infant hair, small for his age and still has yet to mutter anything close to english (or any other language known to man). if he were my first, i’d be freaking out a bit. he’s freakishly small, sucks his index and middle finger like there’s no tomorrow (inverted too – weird) which makes me fear MAJOR buck teeth, always has some sort of rash or other, and have i mentioned how he still hasn’t spoken a clear word? i know babies who are 6 months younger than him singing their ABCs!

but my heart, at most times, is quiet. i know he’s perfect. he takes after his daddy who refused to say anything intelligible till he was three. yes, i know there’s a joke in there somewhere.  he’s just taking his time. he doesn’t open up his mouth whenever a spoonful of food shoved in front of him like luke used to, rather he’s very adept at swiping and pushing very forcefully to let us know that he doesn’t want it. he figures out toys we never introduced him to, he dances whenever he hears the radio – esp OMG. we gotta work on that. he’s obsessed with thomas the tank engine just like luke. but doesn’t mind having them scattered everywhere and anywhere. he’s content.

but one thing that does tug at me is that often he’s dragged everywhere. luke’s schedule pretty much dictates all that he does. his naps are interrupted if we have preschool drop-offs and pick-ups. he’s relegated to the stroller when luke has a blast at legoland or local carnivals. but the coolest thing is, he doesn’t seem to mind. in fact, he loves watching everything. just like luke, he’s always taking everything in.

he’s forgotten sometimes. yes, i admit it. but he’s my heart. he is the most perfect little brother, youngest of the family and boy i could’ve asked for. each day it’s amazing to watch him grow and see how the world is making sense to him, little by little. now, if he would just say something!

after a trip to costco

bathtime!

…why i haven’t blogged…

it’s been a while. but trust me, i’ve been blogging. it’s not here, but it’s while i do the dishes, wash my hair, or when i’m about to fall asleep. it’s not written down, but i blog to myself – yes, i talk to myself. it has come to that.

it’s been so long, i don’t even know how this thing works. it’s almost like when you see an old friend you haven’t spoken to for months, you feel a bit shy and you don’t know what your first words will be. but you know that once you get going, it’ll be fine. you’ll feel refreshed, accepted and understood. so here’s my attempt.

i haven’t blogged in a while because every time i’ve sat down to do so, i’ve only had complaints, hardships and battles to report. and as many of you have told me in the past that i should archive these posts and show them to luke (this is when i blogged faithfully – aka, i only had one child and everything that he did, didn’t do, or thought he did seemed like the most amazing feat any human being had ever accomplished. either that, or just super cute), i’ve always thought of making a book of letters of them. so how would it look if between ages 3-whoknowswhen, all i have are posts about how hard being a mother is, or how frustrating some days are with them, or how i count the minutes and seconds till their daddy gets home, or how i dream of going back to work someday, or how i feel completely lost as a mother, a friend and a person?

i found myself only having material to blog about when things were hard whereas before, i only blogged about how amazing our life was with luke. maybe the honeymoon is over? is this the reality of being a mom? battle at every meal, exhaustion from the day that i can’t do anything except sit and stare at the tv or computer screen? am i only capable of understanding one-liners on facebook updates?

hmm… this is starting to sound like one of those posts that i was dreading.

in the past few months, whether i sound like it or not, i have fallen deeper in love with my kids. luke continues to be that sensitive child, who feels and sees beyond what i often feel and see. he is a typical boy who loves running around outside, one who wants to play tag or catch. but he’s also a boy who tells his mom about how sad he is that he doesn’t look like his friends, or a child who prays to God in the middle of the night when he’s feeling scared, and one who gets that he is loved more by his Father than by his parents.

like all parents, i have aspirations of my kids being gifted. but as i mature as a parent, i’m just thankful that they are happy and healthy. it’s so easy to get caught up in getting them in the right school, or school system, after-school activities or summer camps. i have spent sleepless nights wondering what’s the best method of learning for them. is it the traditional public schools? the independent schools? reggio? waldorf? i’ve joined discussions with other parents about how to instill a love of learning. i’ve watched documentaries about neurotic parents and the result of over-schooling our children. but in the end, i wonder if that’s what really matters. i’m not saying it’s not important… but are these my idols?

i realized once again that it’s about being faithful to each moment. am i being an example of Christ to my children, in the moment? are they being shown grace by my actions? are they being fed spiritually? how come i don’t spend nights wondering about how i am to share the Gospel with them? why do i not research what sort of quiet times i should do with them like i do with strollers?

i had no clue when i had luke that motherhood would be like this. i’ve become a lot of things i never thought i’d become. some good and some bad. i wish i was further ahead in this motherhood thing. i wish i had scrapbooked every year of my kids’ life. i wish i had taken more pictures and been faithful about making picture books. i wish i had volunteered more at their school. i wish i had prayed for them more. thought about their souls more than their minds. been concerned about their feelings rather than about how they may look to others.

but i’m glad for days like today where i am shown by His grace that my children are an amazing gift that He has given me. though the days are long, the years do pass by much too quickly. luke is already FOUR, wasn’t he just a baby learning to crawl? i know that only by His doing, i can be a parent who loves and guides these children to the cross. it doesn’t matter if they aren’t the next bono (bernard’s dream) or next genius at large (my dream). if they are found in Christ, living a happy and full life, then i can’t dream or hope for anything more. maybe blogging (not just in my head) more will remind me of this. i hope so.